Suicide Watch

Last night I had someone break down and start crying on the phone. She repeated that she wAnted to die . I think the main problem is that she has withdrawn from a lot of medication quite quickly; ADD mess as well as antianxiety drugs and the usual gamut of drugs that lot of Americans seem to take…in my experience they are either obsessed by wholefoods and wont even take a paracetamol or pill-munching.

My friend on the phone does have a realistic attitude but now no longer has health insurance so even the ADD stuff by itself is expensive.

I will finish this when I’ve had some sleep and recovered.

I feel much better now, I really do

Well, not MUCH better but not at death’s door.
I am having a bath and reading…

Panic back or heart attack?

Well, not heart attack maybe but I don’t feel well. I have lain down horizontal twice this evening and both times had heart palpitating feelings.
Don’t feel great. Trying to remember if the panic attacks felt like this.

Sleep yes, but wake early – too early.

On Virginia Woolfe

‘Didn’t feel she was living until she recorded it in her diary’

An empty cupboard and fridge is bad for depressed feeling. Food cheers you up, especially if you awake in the night, say at 2am having fallen asleep in the chair earlier.

Body clock still fucked. Attempting to reset it by staying awake right through day isnt working as Im falling asleep at 9pm and waking at 2am.

Blogging versus diary

Can’t believe it’s been so long since i blogged. i used to keep a paper diary.

Will use this to keep track of stuff. Woke up this morning with lots of scattered thoughts.

Am depressed. 9.15 feeling overwhelmingly gloomy and unenthusiastic of life.

For some while now aware that my dreams (never plans) for my life are not going to take place. i was always unrealistically optimistic about the future but now all I see is a long miserable decline.

Still convinced my pessimistic outlook coincided with  the PA which coincided with massive mercury amalgam filling.

I want Paul McKenna to cure my fear of flying

I like Paul McKenna. He has good taste (I saw him eyeing up my then girlfriend at the Notting Hill Carnival a few years ago.)

Paul McKenna I can change your life  Sky 3 late (2am). Tonight he attempted to cure a woman of her agoraphobia (apparently she’s been alone for only 10 mins total in the last five years). Paul went up to Hull of all places. He must be dedicated. Or they paid him a lot of money. What worked, the NLP or the hypnosis? He does speak very fast and uses a lot of gestures and taps.

NB She had CBT which didn’t work…

Later after he left, the panic came back. How much the original cure was it down to the force of his personality. Interestingly she says ‘Im panicking so I can’t remember all the thing she told me to think about’. She comes down to London for a second session (obviously Paul’s dedication didn’t stretch to another visit to Hull 😉 . She ends up cured but still living in Hull so swings and roundabouts really.

Also, he treats a gambler. He explains the Serotonin high due to gambling. He treats this by changing the association for gambling to a negative one. It seems quite simplistic. Reminds one of a weakened version of the treatment in A Clockwork Orange. Rewiring the brain.

Seeing the agoraphobic helps me because I can see that it’s just a condition that needs treating. It’s not something unique to me.

The best for me is the flying phobic who says ‘I just see that as an accident waiting to happen’. That’s just how I feel. I managed a short flight at Christmas but together is the fear of having an attack the other end, being so far from home He is resistant to Paul’ s initial NLP stuff but the hypnosis does it . After an hour he is good to go and flies. Paul McKenna is my new hero. The kind of change he manages in people in such a short space of time is pretty miraculous. I will blog more about his methods later (on this entry) when I have time.

Another shitty day

I feel like I’m going to ‘snap’ at any moment. Maybe the 2 Starbucks coffee sachets I had this morning.

Neuroticism levels set to 8/10? 

Didn’t sleep a great deal; on the Skype/txt to Scandinavia last night til early hours. Now I have to go see someone. They called from a local organisation I help out with last night. Of course I have been offering to help all this week when it was convenient to ME but they dithered until it was inconvenient to me. I like to do things NOW when I’m in the mood/up for it. It isn’t a promisory note to be cashed anytime they feel like it. Unfortunately I need them quid pro quo so I have to go over and endure the fucking around.

 

Trying to remember what the Psychologist advice was.

doc Martin and panic attacks

Caught  the annoyingly watchable Doc Martin long enough to see the storyline…Doc Martin has  a blood phobia and suffers panic attacks at the sight of it… (haemophobia)

Don’t know how realistic is how (would a Dr even start medical training if they had such a phobia? How likely would it be to develop? The fictional Doc was a surgeon)

I did ask an Air stewarsd recently if he’d known any flight staff develop a fear of flying. He knew of one case where a fellow steward NEVER flew on their offtime ie didn’t take advantage of very cheap flights available. When questioned , he was a bit touchy on the subject. And transferred to ground staff.

Still watching…now one of the mother’s is getting an anxiety attack after hearing her son has had an accident. Hyperventilating, calling for water etc…

I don’t remember PAs being portrayed on screen or maybe they just didn’tregister before…

New dread

Terrible time tonight whilst watching film (Reign of Fire). Great movie. I watched it round at friend’s house. Suddenlyhalf hour from the end strated feeling strange. I had planned to go home on the bus. I’m sure subject matter didnt help (fear, dragons, death) Would I get this if it had been a comedy. Lately I am stressed though and feel ‘tired’ often like my whole body is tired and achey even though I’ve done nothing physical.

Buzzing feeling in head. I immediately thought of what I had eaten (as I always do) Some beers a good while aho, some chocolate pudding, cup of decaf tea (was it really de-caf?). Disorienation followed.

Nothing was working, I concluded it must be a Panic Attack but as usual it felt different, like it wasn;t ‘panic’ per se . Reminded me of when it first happened (2?) years ago.

Everything seemed ‘echo-y’ things friend said seemed to echo in my consciousness a few seconds later like I delayed processing.

Yawning constantly. I didnt watch the end of film. tried to sleep. Very tired very quickly because of exhaustion (heart racing etc) PAs usually make me v.tired so it gave me some reassurance that it was a PA rather than my usual assumption of food/drink being spiked.

EXTREMELY unpleasant. Luckily I di go to sleep and woke a couple hours later normalised.

It’s now 3am ish.

Someone told me (and I also read somewhere) that TV watching affect sleep even if it doesnt actually eat into your sleep time. Alos I know TV watching late at nigt is bad but this is when they put all the good films on and I havent got a DVD recorder. Musr get one and refuse TV – also PC – after 9pm?

Thought of Linden and Barry method but egging on the PA didnt seem to work, nor did trying to do maths , using higher brain function to override Amygdala (sp) baser brain function. Couldn’t think straight enough to think of anything to do .

Also wsn’t inclined to jump up and down eating apples, I think the weirdness of that would have freaked me out even more than I was!

What helped was just going to sleep aided by the tiredness, getting unconsciousness asap

This rturn of the shit is a setback. Is more to follow.

Travel terror

I am visiting relatives. I have put this off twice (why can’t they visit ME?)

I don’t like traveling but this has been made far worse because of various other factors; I am feeling ‘fragile’ at the moment. Tiredness; I didn’t get any sleep last night.

The usual stress revolves around

• what if I have a panic attack on the train’
• what if I have a panic attack there and want to come home immediately?’

I don’t sleep the night before of course. All my onling friends desert me. Eventually at 6 or 7am I fall asleep. I have to be leaving at 1.30 and set the alarm for 12.15

The train is packed. I sit in a reserved seat expecting  to be ousted at any second. 

The spaced-outedness (not in a nice way a stressed, confused way) will hopefully ease when I have a proper sleep.