I feel much better now, I really do

Well, not MUCH better but not at death’s door.
I am having a bath and reading…

Cured fear of drinking?

I think I have finally cured my phobia of drinking. When the panic attacks started 3 years ago it started with me drinking some cider with a friend after a meeting. After that I had some bad experiences of anxiety to do with drinking and it got so that I couldn’t stand even being near pubs or with drinkers. This had some good side effects (lost weight, saved money) but was a major barrier to ‘normal’ socialising leaving me dreading any social even that included drinking.

I have had drinks but always gingerly and just nothing to excess, always watching out for the dreaded ‘out of control’ anxiety.

Now tonight I bought some Hoegaarden (6 small bottles) and quite happily glugged down a couple.

The Last Tycoon

I’m watching this enigmatic film. Certain things strike me. Lead character Munro Starr played by Robert de Niro has his priorities right. He cancels things and doesn’t go to parties. How many times have I forced myself to go to parties just because I think I need to or ought to go in case I miss out on something.

I also love the set design in this movie.

Sunday Panic Attack hangover

I slept for a couple of hours after the PA lastnight but woke at 3am and stayed up.

I was on soneone’s couch so couldnt really sleep. In the am I had the use of a bed but the room was too noisy and bright from the road (why do people have flimsy  blinds which let all the light in?).

Anyway I slept til 3 or 4pm nicely rested. Completely against the principles of sleep hygiene…

Went for a nice walk by a canal.

Still have that ‘black cloud hanging at the edges’. The feeling that the blackness is hovering, just waiting to pounce and that anything might bring it on.

I’m still under stress from business worries and responsibility.

New dread

Terrible time tonight whilst watching film (Reign of Fire). Great movie. I watched it round at friend’s house. Suddenlyhalf hour from the end strated feeling strange. I had planned to go home on the bus. I’m sure subject matter didnt help (fear, dragons, death) Would I get this if it had been a comedy. Lately I am stressed though and feel ‘tired’ often like my whole body is tired and achey even though I’ve done nothing physical.

Buzzing feeling in head. I immediately thought of what I had eaten (as I always do) Some beers a good while aho, some chocolate pudding, cup of decaf tea (was it really de-caf?). Disorienation followed.

Nothing was working, I concluded it must be a Panic Attack but as usual it felt different, like it wasn;t ‘panic’ per se . Reminded me of when it first happened (2?) years ago.

Everything seemed ‘echo-y’ things friend said seemed to echo in my consciousness a few seconds later like I delayed processing.

Yawning constantly. I didnt watch the end of film. tried to sleep. Very tired very quickly because of exhaustion (heart racing etc) PAs usually make me v.tired so it gave me some reassurance that it was a PA rather than my usual assumption of food/drink being spiked.

EXTREMELY unpleasant. Luckily I di go to sleep and woke a couple hours later normalised.

It’s now 3am ish.

Someone told me (and I also read somewhere) that TV watching affect sleep even if it doesnt actually eat into your sleep time. Alos I know TV watching late at nigt is bad but this is when they put all the good films on and I havent got a DVD recorder. Musr get one and refuse TV – also PC – after 9pm?

Thought of Linden and Barry method but egging on the PA didnt seem to work, nor did trying to do maths , using higher brain function to override Amygdala (sp) baser brain function. Couldn’t think straight enough to think of anything to do .

Also wsn’t inclined to jump up and down eating apples, I think the weirdness of that would have freaked me out even more than I was!

What helped was just going to sleep aided by the tiredness, getting unconsciousness asap

This rturn of the shit is a setback. Is more to follow.

Sideways

This is a great film, A bit of a downer if you’re in a good mood. However, when you’re feeling melancholic, it’s a great movie to just sit and watch…

EveryPaul Giamatti is an ‘everyman’ actor, when stuff happens to him it’s believable.

It’s got moments of real humour as well.