Suicide Watch

Last night I had someone break down and start crying on the phone. She repeated that she wAnted to die . I think the main problem is that she has withdrawn from a lot of medication quite quickly; ADD mess as well as antianxiety drugs and the usual gamut of drugs that lot of Americans seem to take…in my experience they are either obsessed by wholefoods and wont even take a paracetamol or pill-munching.

My friend on the phone does have a realistic attitude but now no longer has health insurance so even the ADD stuff by itself is expensive.

I will finish this when I’ve had some sleep and recovered.

I feel much better now, I really do

Well, not MUCH better but not at death’s door.
I am having a bath and reading…

Sleep yes, but wake early – too early.

On Virginia Woolfe

‘Didn’t feel she was living until she recorded it in her diary’

An empty cupboard and fridge is bad for depressed feeling. Food cheers you up, especially if you awake in the night, say at 2am having fallen asleep in the chair earlier.

Body clock still fucked. Attempting to reset it by staying awake right through day isnt working as Im falling asleep at 9pm and waking at 2am.

Blogging versus diary

Can’t believe it’s been so long since i blogged. i used to keep a paper diary.

Will use this to keep track of stuff. Woke up this morning with lots of scattered thoughts.

Am depressed. 9.15 feeling overwhelmingly gloomy and unenthusiastic of life.

For some while now aware that my dreams (never plans) for my life are not going to take place. i was always unrealistically optimistic about the future but now all I see is a long miserable decline.

Still convinced my pessimistic outlook coincided with  the PA which coincided with massive mercury amalgam filling.

I will never ever stay up past 12 midnight especially on some Skype chat with a nutty woman.

I will never ever stay up past 12 midnight especially on some Skype chat with a nutty woman.

I will also take first heed next time of any nutty behaviour and run a mile

I will not divulge any compromising material until I have met the individual

But MOST important I will not risk my mental health staying up late to chat. The rule will be bed to read at 11pm latest, all TV off at 10pm and recorded using DVD recorder for watching on rainy day…

Another shitty day

I feel like I’m going to ‘snap’ at any moment. Maybe the 2 Starbucks coffee sachets I had this morning.

Neuroticism levels set to 8/10? 

Didn’t sleep a great deal; on the Skype/txt to Scandinavia last night til early hours. Now I have to go see someone. They called from a local organisation I help out with last night. Of course I have been offering to help all this week when it was convenient to ME but they dithered until it was inconvenient to me. I like to do things NOW when I’m in the mood/up for it. It isn’t a promisory note to be cashed anytime they feel like it. Unfortunately I need them quid pro quo so I have to go over and endure the fucking around.

 

Trying to remember what the Psychologist advice was.

Sunday Panic Attack hangover

I slept for a couple of hours after the PA lastnight but woke at 3am and stayed up.

I was on soneone’s couch so couldnt really sleep. In the am I had the use of a bed but the room was too noisy and bright from the road (why do people have flimsy  blinds which let all the light in?).

Anyway I slept til 3 or 4pm nicely rested. Completely against the principles of sleep hygiene…

Went for a nice walk by a canal.

Still have that ‘black cloud hanging at the edges’. The feeling that the blackness is hovering, just waiting to pounce and that anything might bring it on.

I’m still under stress from business worries and responsibility.

Travel terror

I am visiting relatives. I have put this off twice (why can’t they visit ME?)

I don’t like traveling but this has been made far worse because of various other factors; I am feeling ‘fragile’ at the moment. Tiredness; I didn’t get any sleep last night.

The usual stress revolves around

• what if I have a panic attack on the train’
• what if I have a panic attack there and want to come home immediately?’

I don’t sleep the night before of course. All my onling friends desert me. Eventually at 6 or 7am I fall asleep. I have to be leaving at 1.30 and set the alarm for 12.15

The train is packed. I sit in a reserved seat expecting  to be ousted at any second. 

The spaced-outedness (not in a nice way a stressed, confused way) will hopefully ease when I have a proper sleep.

Sunday, Sunday….

Why are all these old BBC2 songs coming back to me now? My head seems to be full of them at the moment. I didn’t particularly like them at the time (even when I heard them for the first rime on BBc2 in my mother’s kitchen I think they were old…

Feel better today. An all-nighter last night watching various films. Bed at 6 o’clock and a bit of radio comedy which I find helps o ease me off. Wonder if this would have helped when I was at my worst?

Good news, TV is broke

The telly died a death tonight which I’ve decided is good news. i can always watch important programs -like Shameless 😉  – on the laptop probably anyway with 4s Catchup service.

 

TV rots your brain but I suppose is a good distraction sometimes. However DVDs are better and I can still watch those…