7.5mg methylphenidate at 4.30pm

Took one and a half tablets reasonably same time. Need to look at car. Legs tired from yesterday.
Am I going to get tetchy again?
Pharmacist said not to mix and match.
Still quite spaced out sometimes, not particularly motivated.

Suicide Watch

Last night I had someone break down and start crying on the phone. She repeated that she wAnted to die . I think the main problem is that she has withdrawn from a lot of medication quite quickly; ADD mess as well as antianxiety drugs and the usual gamut of drugs that lot of Americans seem to take…in my experience they are either obsessed by wholefoods and wont even take a paracetamol or pill-munching.

My friend on the phone does have a realistic attitude but now no longer has health insurance so even the ADD stuff by itself is expensive.

I will finish this when I’ve had some sleep and recovered.

Mental Health Hotline

Bloody answering machine.
Left message with absolute confidence I will not receive a call back..
This is the 0203 313 5661

What am I doing?

What am I doing trying to run a Business? I am a performer not a Business man type. I didn’t grow up interested at all.

The Vault of Horror (1973)

This has Terry-Thomas and Tom Baker.

Remarkable because the Terry-Thomas portion is just like me and some girlfriends, particulalry the last one. She ‘tidies up’ which means I can’t actually find anything. Terry-Thomas does things a certain way and his new wife doesn’t appreciate that.

ADD means that you need for things NOT to be moved from their usual places. OR that you have vague notions where things are ; when people ‘tidy’ or put stuff away without telling you, you can spend HOURS looking sometimes. I;m sure it’s done with the best of intentions…

Exercise, Adrenaline, Sugar and ADD

ADD/Anxiety relevant excerpts taken from http://www.causeof.org/adrenal.htm#WhatIs

Sugar

• “Some persons are more sugar sensitive than others, and children may be more sensitive than adults.
• A study comparing the sugar response in children and adults showed that the adrenaline levels in childrenremained ten times higher than normal for up to five hours after a test dose of sugar.
• Studies have also shown that some children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) react to glucose intolerance tests with a dip to low blood sugar levels.
• High adrenaline levels or low blood sugar levels produce abnormal behavior.”

AskDrSears.com: Family Nutrition: Sugar

• “Regular physical exercise is a simple and effective means of reducing stress.
• Physical exercise is the outlet for the body when its infight or flight state.
• Exercise releases [gets rid of] the natural chemicals such as adrenalin that accumulate during stress.
• Exercise relieves:
• Exercise increases alertness and concentration
• Exercise reduces skeletal muscle tension and helps people to feel more relaxed
• Exercise leads to more rapid metabolism of excess adrenaline and thyroxin in the bloodstream, in other words it reduces the hormones which increase arousal.
• Exercise allows people to discharge their frustrationswhich can aggravate phobias or panic reactions.
• Exercise helps you to feel good by stimulating the production of endorphins & exercise increases yourenergy level“

• Chronic muscle tension,
• Reduces insomnia,
• Decreases depression and
• Anxiety

Anxiety Treatment Australia: Treatment Options: Exercise

Business and stress

Today the business which has been faltering got a hammer blow. This is a relief in a way because I have been trying to find a way out. It’s been tempting because I don’t have new job enterprise to go to apart from back to graphics.

I’ve realised a few things in the wake of this failure. Maybe I should have got out earlier and this would have left me richer! However the business I was managing  provided a regular income and the possibilityof me taking it over properly. It’s difficult to get a perspective and those you confide in often have a far better insight. You think they haven’t grasped the complexities but you don’t need complexities to see if something is a ‘yay!’ or a ‘nay!’

I blame myself for some things that went wrong but in reality it was a pretty impossible situation. If I had taken over the business earlier with a company of my own then I would be facing mega responsibilities of premises, leases etc.

I can no longer carry on without trying medication for ADD. Many of my shortcomings running the business were directly attributable to ADD (Unable to complete paperwork, procrastination,  poor follow-through) would I have been able to make it succeed if I had been able to concentrate more, to focus, to plan?

There is something that I read on an ADD forum recently that convinces me that I can no longer carry on without trying the ‘meds’ route. I’m not going to find a magic way of organising things – the ADD Holy Grail – that will just be revealed and make it all just so…

Many people with ADD / ADHD have difficulty with working memory. They may have difficulty with recall, focusing, organization, and distinguishing between important and unimportant cues. They may distract easily, become forgetful, or have difficulty getting started on tasks. Lengthy multiple step directions are often frustrating and impossible to follow.

From http://add.about.com/od/researchstudies/a/workingmemory.htm

Spark! Exercise for anxiety depression and ADD

if you have ADD and have a penchant for going into narratives instead of getting to the point,

Yes, that rings a bell! From a review on Amazon for

The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks, and Talents

February

Haven’t posted for a while. Yes, I am getting better but in fits and starts. I’m OK going out now, shopping and the like. Less anxiety around the house. Deep winter blues – in fact ghastly depression – has assuaged somewhat. No proper panic attacks for ages.

Maybe the therapist knew this and that’s why he never got back in touch?! Sleep pattern was regular for a while but soon slipped back into nocturnalism…

Still struggle to get to meetings. Last one a couple of days ago – I was running late (as usual). Must get there on time and see what happens. Usually it’s because there is drink involved somewhere (pub afterwards etc) and adds to stress factor.

Just watching some prog about The Brothers. Kate O’Mara pops up. I looked her up on Wikipedia. She’s almost 70 and still absolutely gorgeous . How come some woman keep their looks so much better than others. Michelle Doltrice (Frank’s wife in Some Mother’s…) hasn’t aged well at all.

Monday morning

Quick blog to catch up as I’ve just realised it’s been a few days. May return and fill in the gaps. Just had my first comment so I’m happy about that! Sorry it hasn’t showed up before as I’ve only just seen it to ‘approve’ it. May take comment moderation off. People like to see their comments immediately and I can’t imagine being inundated with abuse. Probably Viagra comment spam if anything. Have approved comment but still hasn’t shown up despite refreshing page.

My internet connection went down last Thurs which I thought was a routine f*** up along the lines of a modem malfunction etc. However turns out to be issues with the ISP (Virgin Media). Stressed me out; since I work in digital media/web it’s pretty important I have web access day-to-day. Various phone calls to Virgin, Discover that their technical support no. costs 25p a minute and 10p a minute to connect. When I ring up, the guy starts explaining this so I tell him to shut up ‘I know it’s costing me soget on with it’. Not his fault. To cut a long story short they have fucked up from the beginning setting up 2 accounts, 2 direct debits separately for telephone and broadband despite this being an all-in-one deal. So fir once it is totally their fault they haven’t been collecting the broadband money. The good news is I manage to stay calm and coherent on the phone. (I ended up screaming down the phone at some poor soul at a Bulldog Indian call centre 6 months back) Why this country can’t do phone services and internet I don’t know.

Decamped to GFs house on Saturday where this internet (but no landline). Lugged half my desktop over before I realised I could get the ancient (1999) laptop working with an ethernet PCMCIA card adaptor using Linux. GF was horrified I think that I was going to start filling up te flat with all my computer junk and it was going to start resembling Sam Lowry’s apartment in Brazil.

The last couple of days have been a step forward I suppose since at one time I couldn’t stay overnight at GF’s flat. The first time I stayed a few weeks a go I couldn’t sleep all night. I still stay up half the night but at least I can sleep. I now have to go back to my flat and try and sort out the broadband cock-up. I am tempted the whole lot since they have broken the original contact (more on that later). However I can’t face having to deal with BT again. It was just too painful last time. dealing with admin crap is especially difficult with ADD. I have notes of all my conversations but they are always in different places on various scraps of paper. I have started recording all my conversations with facilities and that has helped with BT in the past. Now I have to dig out my records of the original conversations with the Virgin salesgirl.

Also I have a meeting tonight the other side of London. It’s where I had one of my major panic attacks at the beginning and so is quite a big issue. Ihave a few times since, sometimes Ok, sometimes not, sometimes with medication (valium). I am generaly OK on the tube now so I don’t expect a problem somuch there. It’s just the pressure of going. What was an enjoayable experience – it’s a meeting I enjoy with friends – has turned into a bit of a trial. The panic attacks were brought about by rushing about combined with anxiety ie rushing to get somewhere on time (since I am habitually late and struggle with time management) Plus the meeting space is quite confined so being ‘trapped’ in a meeting for some time is stressful. It’s easier if I’m by the exit. Anyway I shall go so that at least I can get through this even if Ileave straight away and don’t go to the pub afterwards.