The 6 month mark

Staggered to the end of a pretty dire week. Stress and anxiety levels pretty high.

I just want to ’stop the world I want to get off’ ! Have realised I should nevr have taken on the Manager job for a business I knew little about. My former girlfriend – who begged for a job – has been pretty hopeless which just adds to the pressure on me.

I always seen to end up in these awkward disaster-prone situations. People try and take advantage of the fact that I am enthusiastic and never-say-die. In fact this wek I felt very ‘die’ and just wanted to walk away as i have been advised by several friends and family.

I used to start the day feeling dreadful and then gradually improve throughout the day til I was positively enthusaiastuc by the end of the day. Now I am just miserable and anxiety-ridden throughout. It’s because there are potentially serious consequences to what I am doing.

I sunbathed today to try and relax. Didn’t work since I am unhappy with what my illness has done to my body.

Sunday Panic Attack hangover

I slept for a couple of hours after the PA lastnight but woke at 3am and stayed up.

I was on soneone’s couch so couldnt really sleep. In the am I had the use of a bed but the room was too noisy and bright from the road (why do people have flimsy  blinds which let all the light in?).

Anyway I slept til 3 or 4pm nicely rested. Completely against the principles of sleep hygiene…

Went for a nice walk by a canal.

Still have that ‘black cloud hanging at the edges’. The feeling that the blackness is hovering, just waiting to pounce and that anything might bring it on.

I’m still under stress from business worries and responsibility.

New dread

Terrible time tonight whilst watching film (Reign of Fire). Great movie. I watched it round at friend’s house. Suddenlyhalf hour from the end strated feeling strange. I had planned to go home on the bus. I’m sure subject matter didnt help (fear, dragons, death) Would I get this if it had been a comedy. Lately I am stressed though and feel ‘tired’ often like my whole body is tired and achey even though I’ve done nothing physical.

Buzzing feeling in head. I immediately thought of what I had eaten (as I always do) Some beers a good while aho, some chocolate pudding, cup of decaf tea (was it really de-caf?). Disorienation followed.

Nothing was working, I concluded it must be a Panic Attack but as usual it felt different, like it wasn;t ‘panic’ per se . Reminded me of when it first happened (2?) years ago.

Everything seemed ‘echo-y’ things friend said seemed to echo in my consciousness a few seconds later like I delayed processing.

Yawning constantly. I didnt watch the end of film. tried to sleep. Very tired very quickly because of exhaustion (heart racing etc) PAs usually make me v.tired so it gave me some reassurance that it was a PA rather than my usual assumption of food/drink being spiked.

EXTREMELY unpleasant. Luckily I di go to sleep and woke a couple hours later normalised.

It’s now 3am ish.

Someone told me (and I also read somewhere) that TV watching affect sleep even if it doesnt actually eat into your sleep time. Alos I know TV watching late at nigt is bad but this is when they put all the good films on and I havent got a DVD recorder. Musr get one and refuse TV – also PC – after 9pm?

Thought of Linden and Barry method but egging on the PA didnt seem to work, nor did trying to do maths , using higher brain function to override Amygdala (sp) baser brain function. Couldn’t think straight enough to think of anything to do .

Also wsn’t inclined to jump up and down eating apples, I think the weirdness of that would have freaked me out even more than I was!

What helped was just going to sleep aided by the tiredness, getting unconsciousness asap

This rturn of the shit is a setback. Is more to follow.

The Return of the Nerves

Well, the ‘highstrung’ feeling that has haunted me for months recently went away and I was OK for days at a time. Having no physical symptoms of stress makes a huge difference s to how I’m feeling as I associate these feelings with being ill and they are extrememly unpleasant by themselves even without an ensuing panic attack.

don’t know why they they came back today particularly. Perhaps due to too long spent in front of the PC this afternoon. Plus, I had to ring up a company about a ’prize’ I have won. Needless to say, I was passed around as noone knew much and eventually onto a voicemailk where I left a message. I left the wrong mobile number (leaving out a 0) as I momentarily forgot it.

I’m not particularly looking forward to my prize as it involves a day’s free consultancy when I would rather have cash.