The 6 month mark

Staggered to the end of a pretty dire week. Stress and anxiety levels pretty high.

I just want to ’stop the world I want to get off’ ! Have realised I should nevr have taken on the Manager job for a business I knew little about. My former girlfriend – who begged for a job – has been pretty hopeless which just adds to the pressure on me.

I always seen to end up in these awkward disaster-prone situations. People try and take advantage of the fact that I am enthusiastic and never-say-die. In fact this wek I felt very ‘die’ and just wanted to walk away as i have been advised by several friends and family.

I used to start the day feeling dreadful and then gradually improve throughout the day til I was positively enthusaiastuc by the end of the day. Now I am just miserable and anxiety-ridden throughout. It’s because there are potentially serious consequences to what I am doing.

I sunbathed today to try and relax. Didn’t work since I am unhappy with what my illness has done to my body.

Escape for Christmas

Quick post which I will come back to. GF booked a flight to Scandanavia for the holidays. I am invited as well but am finding it difficult to face the flight. I don’t like flying anyway but especially from Stansted and on a budget flight is claustrophobia hell which could well lead to a panic attack. Last time before the panic attacks started was bad enough, I was tense the whole time. I really want to go for a break from this place but fear that as soon as I book the ticket I will be tense/anxious the whole time and so won’t enjoy the lead up to Christmas. The whole airport anxity thing is made far worse by the shitty time people have at airports in the UK. I’m wondering if we still have the ridiculous clear plastic bag rule. Nothing mentioned on the airline website.

Plus I’ve been feeling faint/dizzy which may or may not be related to the aching pain emanating from my testicles (or specifically left testicle). I hope this is just another anxiety symptom. I’m fearing cancer or a strangulated testicle (which is extremely painful and can result in loss of testicle!) and haven’t ‘examined’ myself yet (something I never do anyway). I’m dreading going to the Dr over this one. He probably already thinks I’m a hypo I’ve been that often recently. However if the aching pain doesn’t go soon I shall be forced to go. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist this week so may discuss it then.

My nerves were getting better but have been coming back, Sleep hygiene dreadful. Sleeping all day. Major work disappointment has sent me into a fug of depression. So I need that holiday.

Oh, and another brown envelope came today, just in time for Christmas! No doubt more shit news.