Running a business

I have been signed off sick for a while now. However an opportunity has come up for me to take a management role. I am keen for the chance to run a smalll business but there are risks as the venture is only just head a bove water.  I know my ADD brain is not best-suited for  admin and  there will be lots of it. How much can I offload to the admin assistant?

Will the stress of it - and more financial stress at that- set me back mentally?

My sleep is all over the place at the moment,earlier this evening I awoke and thought for a while that it was Monday 7pm when in fact it was still only Sunday

Am I recovered enough to have a normal life ie get a normal job? My sleep pattern is still all over the place; I try to ‘reset’ it every so often but I easily fall out of it again. I always make sure I get as much sleep as possible as it’s a risk factor for panic attacks and anxiety/mental illness generally.

I’m considering how much the GF is a negative influence. Lately, she has been pulling stunts and having the usual moody tantrums that I’m getting sick of. She threw out some personal items of mine recently without permission despite me repeatedly stressing that she should not do this without my say-so. A friend of mine has a similar situation.

Girlfriend swap

As I reported 2 weeks ago , I am getting better. However, I still have my moments, usually when tired or when stressed or both. planned aday out with GF on Sunday. Didn’t have that much sleep , maybe 5 hours. Have been staying over at her flat as it’s like a mini-reak from mine. However, it is also small, claustrophobic and has ‘annoyances’ including her mean behaviour. This included refusing to top up her pre-pay gas meter so the flat gets cold. She has absolutely no reason to have a pre-pay meter; it was there when she mo0ved in and is unnecesarily expensive as the gas company charges you more for gas with one. She is remarkably concerned with the boiler at her flat whereasn she shows no conbcern at all at mine.

Also, major annoyance - SHE DOESN’T LISTEN. About anything. Maybe if she ’respected’ me more she would pay attention but half the shit she goes through is a result of her ignoring advice I have given her. eg the room temperature gauge  which is her preferred method of controlling the boiler along with turning down any know she can lay her hands on.

My fingers have developed an involuntary twitch so naturally I see this as the first stage of MS (Multiple Scelerosis)

My sleep pattern still has not sorted itself out.

I still get anxiety on or before journeys and got major anxiety about facing a train trip up north (trapped in the train for 2 hours each way with the inevitable delay)

I’m getting better…

It seems I’m improving, hence the lack of recent posts. I still have the occasional bad moment - in fact I had one today - but I can stave off the panic attacks and assure myself that i will be OK.

Distraction seems to be the larger part of this. I felt really rough earlier and thought I was heading for a migraine as I had some visual problems (probably as a result of staring at a small laptop screen for so long). thought I was going cross-eyed, brain tumour etc

My sleep hygiene is still lousy but at least it’s stable; i’m getting to sleep at 6am and rising at 1.30pm.

February

Haven’t posted for a while. Yes, I am getting better but in fits and starts. I’m OK going out now, shopping and the like. Less anxiety around the house. Deep winter blues - in fact ghastly depression - has assuaged somewhat. No proper panic attacks for ages.

Maybe the therapist knew this and that’s why he never got back in touch?! Sleep pattern was regular for a while but soon slipped back into nocturnalism…

Still struggle to get to meetings. Last one a couple of days ago - I was running late (as usual). Must get there on time and see what happens. Usually it’s because there is drink involved somewhere (pub afterwards etc) and adds to stress factor.

Just watching some prog about The Brothers. Kate O’Mara pops up. I looked her up on Wikipedia. She’s almost 70 and still absolutely gorgeous . How come some woman keep their looks so much better than others. Michelle Doltrice (Frank’s wife in Some Mother’s…) hasn’t aged well at all.

Catchup

In a lot of pain in my right chest area. This is muscular and down to either a torn/strained muscle after some exercise (not warming up properly) or due to the ‘cold’ geting to the pectoral muscle and making it stiffen up. When this happened before someone told me they had similar and to have  hot bath; it’s due to hanging around cld stations etc whilst carryimg a shoulder bag!

Anyway, before I tried the hot bath thing (not shower - you have to soak the area) and it worked.

Am going for a freelance job this week but have to gen up as it’s for a big company -Nokia- so I  have to be prepared. I also have a meeting tomorrow night where I have panicked befre (I was alright last time) so a little bit of anxiety as to how I will be.

Christmas and New Year were miserable. I didn’t get to fly so I still have that hurdle to face.

I do feel as if I’m slowly getting better.

Anxiety rising

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Managed to go the whole day out shopping. Got a bit disoriented but got through it and recovered and felt OK. Bought a nice jacket and Hackett rugby shirt. Bought a replacement Freeview box for the TV. Got it home; it’s OK but doesn’t give my old-but-good Ferguson TV proper widescreen like the old-but-crap Alba freeview box did. So the Woollies box has to go back.

Later at home I crasged quite early around 9ish. This is bad news as Iwoke up again at 12:30-1am. Watched some TV - stayed for King of The Hill. Went back to bed around 5pm but couldn’t get back to sleep despite getting close. At  the critical point sort of ’started’ awake feeling a bit dizzy/weird. Weird half  asleep thoughts but didn’t drift off. So I got up this am with only a few hours sleep.

Now I have bad stomach nerves anxiety. Pit of the stomach stuff like a tight feeling combined with a bit of lump-in-throat. Quite tense and because of lck of sleep today will be difficult Christmas-shopping wise.

Trip abroad looking doubtful. I had talked myslf round to going with gf but now there is a strike on the 7th Jan (the day we were due to fly back). No real info on what contingency plans will be and it will be worse for me stuck at an airport or having to make decisions when I’m stressed anyway from flying. The 6th is more expensive and the day after might still be disrupted so may cancel the whole thing. Wouldn’t want to travel different day from my gf anyway.

I’m now stuck at that place where I feel shit but I’m not tired enough to go back to sleep for a few hours

and I’m too tired to go out with gf Christmas shopping. She has already gone out and  I’m facing having to take Freeview box back, pick out a present for her (she’s refusing to name anything she wants) and decide if I should go ahead and book flight out anyway knowing return may be a nightmare, I wanted to build up the flying like I didi with getting out throught CBT; journey not against the clock just around tube network to get used to it. So I would want the first flight to be  ahasle-free affair otherwise I;ll just associate flying with stress/panic even more.

Hope this stomach goes away soon. Had quite a few moments of despair over last week and one day of hell a few days ago.

Escape for Christmas

Quick post which I will come back to. GF booked a flight to Scandanavia for the holidays. I am invited as well but am finding it difficult to face the flight. I don’t like flying anyway but especially from Stansted and on a budget flight is claustrophobia hell which could well lead to a panic attack. Last time before the panic attacks started was bad enough, I was tense the whole time. I really want to go for a break from this place but fear that as soon as I book the ticket I will be tense/anxious the whole time and so won’t enjoy the lead up to Christmas. The whole airport anxity thing is made far worse by the shitty time people have at airports in the UK. I’m wondering if we still have the ridiculous clear plastic bag rule. Nothing mentioned on the airline website.

Plus I’ve been feeling faint/dizzy which may or may not be related to the aching pain emanating from my testicles (or specifically left testicle). I hope this is just another anxiety symptom. I’m fearing cancer or a strangulated testicle (which is extremely painful and can result in loss of testicle!) and haven’t ‘examined’ myself yet (something I never do anyway). I’m dreading going to the Dr over this one. He probably already thinks I’m a hypo I’ve been that often recently. However if the aching pain doesn’t go soon I shall be forced to go. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist this week so may discuss it then.

My nerves were getting better but have been coming back, Sleep hygiene dreadful. Sleeping all day. Major work disappointment has sent me into a fug of depression. So I need that holiday.

Oh, and another brown envelope came today, just in time for Christmas! No doubt more shit news.

Dizzy spells again

After thinking I was well on the road to recovery - especially after yesterday - I have awoken to dizzy spells accompanying tension/pressure at the base of my skull. Dizziness is one of my most unpleasant side effects and usually renders me hopeless for much of the day.

I went to bed last at 12.30ish in my continuing attempt to regain sleep hygiene/normal sleep pattern. A somewhat fitful night marred by tinnitus. Awoke at 5ish to eat something, watch Captain Scarlett and then go back to sleep on and off til 10ish.  Got up and had tea and toast at mydesk whilst checking emails but I think ‘overthinking’ last night and this morning has got the better of me. I can try and shake this off or I can go back to bed and try and sleep it off. Yawning excessively now.

The ’strain’ of Christmas does help. Arrangements. Visiting relatives in another city etc. I would rather sit this Christmas out, not have to do anything, not have to meet anyone or be sociable and just have a ‘comfort’ Xmas with food and a blanket in front of the telly watching It’s a Wonderful Life. But always the ‘arrangements’ and feeling you either have to travel or be a host. I vote for more selfishness at Chrstmas.

I have a meeting tonight; one which I’ve had significant panic attacks/anxiety before. However I may just not go because I don’t feel like it rather than forcing myself to go for the sake of CBT treatment.

Reading this has just made me feel a lot worse!
Luckily GF is in ‘look after’ mode at the moment (I helped her with a college assignment last night). Wonder how long it will be before she is back to ‘complain’ mode.

Back online - have you missed me?

I’m back online after a blimp with my internet connection. It’s Thursday night already. Had to go to hospital to hav bloods done ready for an appointment with the endocrinologist next week. Actually got some sleep last night (from 3am onwards) so am beginning to reverse the nocturnalism.

Today, after the blood test this morning, I stayed out a lot of the day -  including an extended stay in an shop. Managed quite well but was getting a bit ’spacy’ towards the end. Managed a would-be stressy call to my ISP but was helped by helpful peron on the other end who sorted out my problem. Thank God for the Scottish (Gordon Brown excepted).

To the doctors for a repeat sick note. Another 3 months?! he exclaims. No, I explain , the last one was for 3 months but I’m getting better but I’m not ready to return to work yet. He’s slightly foreign so the nuances get missed sometimes.

I just don’t want to rush it (going back to work), have a relapse and end up worse. This happened to a friend of mine.

The c*** upstairs kept me awake last night ’til I stuffed earplugs. He is truly scum (trust me n this, I will restrospectively blog on this to justify name calling) but it is amazing to me that alcoholics like him don’t drink themselves to death earlier.